On the Back

I wish I could talk to you like I did that night we sat on the back of my car. I wish I could talk to anyone like that. I've never been as open with anyone as I was that night. The cigarette smoke drifted away from us like we drifted away from each other. I wish you had never left the country. Or I wish airplanes were safer. Or I wish airplanes had never been invented.

I remember how we always used to play, "Remember When"?

Remember when your hair was brown?

Remember when you wore flip flops in the winter?

Remember when we watched the sunrise?

Remember this? Remember that?

Remember when you said you loved me?

Those jokes that turned into memories kept me going for a while after it happened.

Remember our first date? Perkins. We ate at Perkins so many times after that. You would always get the same damn thing. A muffin. A fruit cup. A diet coke. And coffee. Every time you got the same thing. I can't even look at fruit anymore. I get squeamish whenever I look at strawberries or grapes or pineapple, or cantaloupe.

I had never met anyone quite like you. I thought you were insane. Hell, you drove me insane. One week, you were in love with me, another you had some things you needed to work out and couldn't deal with the confusion and commitment that dating me entailed.

Every time things ended, I said I was giving up. I told myself, every time, I was never going to speak with you again. I was done. But somehow, every single time, I would go back to you. You would come back to me.

"Somehow, after all that's occurred between us, we're still in each other's lives. That means something, and I don't ignore things like that".

Remember when you said that to me?

You wanted to see the other side of the ocean so badly though. You wanted to start a new life. I just wanted you.

Remember when we wandered around that 3 story antique store? I think we were there for 5 hours. All I wanted was a cigarette case and they didn't even have them.

Remember all those sleepless nights we would spend on the phone? Talking and talking. You had so much to say and I wanted to soak up every bit of it. I would give anything to talk to you now. To be on the back of my car again. Why can we not go back? Why is there no rewind? Why is there only fast-forward?

Remember the first time we kissed? In the parking lot of that book store? It was just starting to get cold and the wind was blowing the leaves around our feet.

I begged you not to leave. I begrudgingly took you to the airport, pleading with you the whole way not to go. You kissed me at the gate for the last time and got on that plane. You promised me you would be back soon. You needed this experience. I just needed you.

I wish you had never left. I wish your flight had been delayed. I wish airplanes had never been invented.

I wish you had stayed.