A Dream Upon Waking

I'm sitting on my front porch smoking the last of my cigarettes and watching the sunset. I'm wondering where my life has gone. When I was a child, I had dreams and aspirations. I wanted to be an astronaut, an engineer, a chemist, or an architect. I am none of these things. One of the only things I accomplished that I hoped to achieve when I was younger was marrying. And even that didn't last very long. She died after 10 years of marriage. We didn't have any children. She was lovely though. Flowing brown hair and the biggest brown eyes you've ever seen. Her skin was softer than anything I ever laid my hands on. She didn't like me smoking though. I smoke all the time now. I'm hoping the cancer gets me soon. I'm weary.

I wake up every morning at 6 to make my coffee. Coffee may be the only thing that keeps me alive at this point. I drink about 20 or 30 cups every day. I had a teacher in high school that drank this much coffee and I always wondered how she survived drinking it so often, but now I understand. Eventually the coffee becomes what sustains you. Without it she and I would just wither away. She probably has by now.

After coffee, I eat my breakfast: bacon, toast, eggs, and occasionally a waffle. I eat this every day. I eat and read the paper. I then proceed to get in my car and drive to work. I work in an extremely cramped cubicle. I crunch numbers all day long. My cubicle doesn't accommodate my extremely long legs. I am 6 feet and 7 inches tall. I have arthritis in my knees because of the way I have to sit. I hate my job with everything that I am.

I am completely and utterly unhappy with my life.

So I'm sitting here thinking, God please just let this be the last thing I ever see. This sunset. This is the only beautiful thing that I have left and it's fading. Soon this sunset will be gone and I hope I am too. I know there's a bottle of sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet, but I don't have the courage to face my own death like that. This world hasn't taken all my hope away. Not in that way. As much as I hate the majority of my existence on this empty shell of a planet, I still go to bed hoping that tomorrow will be better. So that is what I'll do tonight. I will crawl into my twin sized bed, watch the news, and hope.

I woke up today feeling different. I couldn't decide if I liked it. I went through my usual morning routine. Shower. Coffee. Clothes. Coffee. Brush teeth. Coffee. Breakfast. Coffee. Then I went to check my mailbox. I don't usually check my mail. I just don't receive much post. That red flag was up in the air though. I'd seen it through my window. I opened my front door and trudged through my overgrown lawn to the mailbox. I opened it expecting a book of coupons or a magazine. It was a letter from my bank explaining that I had reached the maximum deposit amount on my checking account, and that I would have to upgrade or I wouldn't be able to deposit any more money. I hadn't really kept up with my bank account for last 20 or so years. The letter didn't have any sort of statement on it, which I thought was terribly inconvenient. I decided to take care of it after work.

Work droned on and on and on. This bank issue intrigued me to the point of madness. The clock was laughing at me. Occasionally, it would just stop. At about 3 I walk in to my boss' office and inquire if I could leave a bit early since I had some affairs I had to attend to. He just looked at me. I walked back to my desk.

3:30

4:00

4:23

4:47

4:54

5:00

Rapture.

At the bank the woman behind the counter tells me I have 500,000 dollars saved up. I tell her, no. That must be a mistake. She shows me the computer screen with my account displayed. I'm reeling. This is completely and utterly impossible. My job does not pay well. She assures me the amount is correct.

I tell her I want all of it.

"All of it?"

"Every single last penny."

The next day I quit my job. I destroy my cubicle and tell my boss that he's one of the most downright awful people I've ever come across. To cap things off, I socked him pretty good, right to the jaw. I think I broke it. Security escorts me out. I suppose I could have left with a bit more dignity, and this type of behavior really isn't all that respectable for an adult, but what do I care? I have half a million dollars. I'm half a millionaire.

From here, I'm not sure what to do. I don't deserve this money. Or maybe I do. Maybe I deserve this more than anyone. My entire life has been mediocre, at best. I have nothing really to show for it. I have a dead wife, who I loved immensely. I have no children. I have created nothing that will last. It would seem, though, that life or fate or God is begging me to do something.

So tomorrow I'm going. I'm leaving. Carpe Diem. I will be a chemist, a fireman, a philanthropist. I will be Everything. I will suck the marrow out of this new life.

"Oh Captain, My Captain"